I am aged 28 and I have a small family, my beautiful partner “Nikki”, my new baby boy “James” and finally my very bouncy Springer Spaniel “Molly”.
I was born and bred in Liverpool and have a broad scouse accent; I was a total non believer. I used to think that if you believed in God you must be scared of death. I thought the Bible was just a bed time story.
The Liverpool I was brought up in was an area that it was just riddled with crime, drugs and violence. The only people on our street who could afford a car were drug dealers, as not many people had jobs. So it was very hard not to fall into that way of life, if that is all you have around you. I am not proud of what I did do as a child/teenager, I used to take every type of drug you could think of, I used to smoke, drink alcohol and walk around with a knife or even a hammer on me for protection. I used to rob people, cars and even houses to fund my way of life.
By the time I was fourteen years old I was so naughty that my high school had had enough of me and only certain teachers would teach me. You were meant to have twenty lessons a week and I ended up only having eleven, most of the time I didn't go to School. I didn't see the point back then, in the end, in my final GCSE year I was expelled for fighting.My mother then said to me “You have a choice, the Army, Prison or the Grave, like all your other friends”! So the only choice I had was the Army, as my mother didn't want me at home any more as I had ruined the last five years of her life.At the time I couldn't understand it.
So In 1998 I was a young man who did not believe in any thing, especially God! I joined the Army (Infantry) at the age of 15 years and 9 months the youngest you could enrol at back in those days. Before I knew it, my life changed. I wasn't taking drugs, committing crimes and I was earning money for the first time. I thought it was great! By the time I was 17 years old I was sent to my regiment and I was sent off to Kenya for 7 weeks and then many different parts of the world. I really had the time of my life!
In 2000 I was sent to N. Ireland, South Armagh. The worst place in the whole of Ireland you could go to. We did 3 months on 3 months off for a year. It is really hard to think that just across the Irish Sea you could have so much hate and anger towards the British.
In 2001 we were posted to N. Yorkshire, Catterick Garrison and when 9/11 happened, we all knew we were going to be sent away to war. We got orders through saying that we would be one of the first battle groups to go to Iraq. Before departing to Iraq in January 2003, I transferred to a special Intelligence Unit which put on me the front line, something I have also wanted to do for some strange reason! I was in Iraq for 7 Months in total. At first I was living the life, in the thick of it and then one day it hit me.... Why I was here! There was too much death all around you, no matter where you looked death was there.
When I came back to the UK, for five days rest, it dawned on me that people back home are sick in the head, they would be asking questions like, “Have you killed anyone, have you been shot at, what does it feel like?” These are not questions you want to be asked. I just wanted to try and forget about it while I was resting. Then the day came I had to go back to the front line again to finish my tour of duty in Iraq. The longer I was out there the longer I felt I was not human any more.
Finally I returned home, but I was a different man. I started to drink very heavily, I hated everyone including myself. I used to drink from the morning until I fell asleep; I used to go out looking for trouble so I could just let my anger out.
One day I got into a fight that would ruin my life! The great life I had going for me at the time. I was sentenced to 15 months in a military prison with a dishonourable discharge after time served.
I would have to serve 10 months military hell. At first it was hard to know that I had ruined my career in the Army, as I had always thought that I would spend my life there, but instead it was cut to six and half years! Finally the day came when I was released from prison with the chance of a new start, a new chapter in my life.
Over the years in the Army I had pushed my family, friends and loved ones away so many times that when I came out of prison I really had to work hard to build relationships up again. While I was in the Army my Mother had met someone and had moved to Witney, Oxfordshire. So the choice I had was go back to sunny Liverpool where I knew I would end up back in prison or I could start afresh in Oxfordshire.
I took the obvious choice... Start fresh with my Mother. At first it was difficult, as although it felt good to be loved and part of a family, I found it hard to adapt to a normal life as I had been trained to fight on the front line.
The first thing was to find a job, I looked everywhere and in the end I ended up working as warehouse operative. I enjoyed it, worked very hard and within12 months I was made the warehouse manager. It was fantastic I really had turned my life around!
While working in this small company I met my beautiful girlfriend Nikki and we moved in together and started to live a normal life. I had found someone that I love, my life was great! I had also built a relationship with my mother again and her new family.
After a while I had run up a lot of debt (just over £40k) which didn’t phase me one bit, because I knew I could pay my way.
After a year of me and Nikki being together we thought we would spread our wings and buy a house. However Oxfordshire was too expensive for us. We looked around and we came across sunny Swindon, so instead of just buying a house straight away, not knowing if it was the right thing or not, we decided to rent for twelve months.
Twelve months went by and the recession started. Being first time buyers we needed a bigger deposit than we had, so we had no choice but to wait and see what happened.
After a few months had gone by the commute from Swindon to Witney was taking too much of a toll so I started to look for a job in Swindon. I looked for a sales job (because I like to talk and I always thought I could sell ice to Eskimos!). I eventually got a job with Virgin Holidays, the only problem being that it was 100% commission, with no basic salary. So it was scary to start off with.
After a while I found my feet and was one of the top sellers winning a skiing holiday, prizes and making lots of money just for selling, it was great!
But the recession had started and the figures proved it! People where cutting back on everything included holidays. At first it wasn't so bad, but then we had commission cut after commission. Overall it worked out to be a 50% pay cut! At this time we had some great news, Nikki was pregnant with James. Planning for the future was difficult as we had no savings and were living hand to mouth.
Then my mum was diagnosed with a rare type of cancer that has a very low treatment success rate (6%).
Under all the pressure I turned back to my old ways..... Drinking heavily. I had a lot of anger and hate in me. I went to the doctors and they put it down to stress. I started to get worse having flash backs to the time in Iraq, nightmares, severe night sweats, panic attacks, I couldn't even leave the house. I wouldn't wash or shave and used to stay in the house wearing the same shorts for weeks. I had been signed off work, but my job didn’t pay sick pay so money was getting worse and worse. I drank to forget and I pushed my family away including my pregnant girlfriend and my ill mother who was lying on her death bed.
As Nikki got to 8 months pregnant I was sleeping in the spare room, well, I was trying to sleep as I had insomnia and I couldn't sleep. I was getting drunk whilst on medication that you shouldn’t even sniff alcohol with and I was drinking it by the bottle.
I took my anger out on Nikki and it came to the point where I was arrested for domestic violence.
I was released after a long night locked up. I thought over my actions and all I could think was hate and anger.
Over the years after coming back from the front line I have tried to take my own life by overdosing but could never succeed for some reason which I never understood at the time.
Nikki got in touch with a company called Combat Stress (who help people who have fought in a war) and told them that I have problems dealing with life after combat. They sent someone round to see me and advised us on a lot of things. One was to contact the Royal British Legion so Nikki called them to see if they could help. It was an answer-phone so she left her name and number and we forgot about it.
In the meantime work had pretty much said to me, “We don't want you to go as you are an asset to the company but we can’t keep your job open for ever”, so I had to resign and then it hit us, we were screwed! We were living off nothing; we didn't even have enough money for rent!
A few weeks later a lady from the Royal British Legion came and saw us. She was a lovely, kind, caring women. She asked numerous things about us and our money and said to call these people - they might be able to help, Christians Against Poverty.
So that day we called them and within a couple of days a man and women where at door and it was CAP. CAP are a Christian organisation that help people who are in debt and they will manage your debts/creditors for you... for free.
So we gave all our information to them and at the end of it the women (Angie) asked “Could we pray for you?” so I said “There is no God in my life, but by all means pray away!” and they both prayed for our circumstances. While they were praying I was just laughing to myself - and a bit out loud too, which I couldn't help. But at the time the only thing I knew that was true was death itself.
When they were finished they said “We will see you in a week.”
In the meantime nothing had changed, I was still ill but not drinking as heavy, my mother was very ill and we had a baby boy called James.
The next week the RBL sent us food vouchers for £250! Which we couldn't believe as we were just eating baked beans and rice.
Friday came and CAP came around and the same thing happened, again they prayed, but this time I didn't laugh, I closed my eyes and I just listened to them. Then they said “See you in a week.”
The next Friday came but I felt different, like someone was watching out for me or as if someone had just eased a bit of the weight off me but our circumstances had not changed. The advice from CAP was that we should go bankrupt, however it would cost £1200 to do that plus we were stuck with Pay Plan (IVA).
When it came time to pray I asked if I could join them. I prayed for my mother which felt very good to do. As they were leaving I had this urge that I must go to church. I asked them “Could I come along to church with you?” they said “Yes, sure thing”, so I went to Angie's church as it was the closest.
That Sunday came and I was nervous! Mainly because I cann’t be with a group of people (I would have panic attacks even if there are 2-3 people next to me). This was a big thing for me, I was having panic attacks just thinking about! Well I went in to church and there weren’t that many people there and everyone was welcoming to me and kind and they didn't ask too many questions, which was great for me. The service started, and before you knew it the service was over. When leaving the service I had this warm feeling on the back of my neck, like when you are on holiday and the sun is on your back, but this feeling was expanding all over my body (a very strange feeling but it also felt peaceful).
As soon as I got back home Nikki saw a difference in me straight away. So I decided to take the Lord into my life as all I could think about, for some strange reason, was “You must do this, you must go to church!”
Months have gone by now and so much has changed (for the better). I am debt free, Nikki and I are stronger than ever before, I am starting to go out more, I have won my bid for combat stress treatment (which has a very long waiting list and you don't always get it!) My mum has won her battle with a rare type of cancer the list goes on and on.
I can’t explain it but since I have the Lord in my life, I feel like I am getting somewhere instead of ending up in a gutter. I am not totally perfect but it is like someone is watching over me and no matter what has happened in the past it has all been washed away! And now I can start to move on with my life and make something of it as a family.
Something I never thought could happen just a few months ago.