Breaking The Addiction Cycle - Deidre's Story

For many years, I’ve struggled with low self-esteem and an eating disorder, amongst other things! I’ve tried to deal with these issues on my own but I was not able to gain complete freedom.
My life was full of masks; I tried to be what I thought others wanted me to be—never allowing anyone to see who I truly was. This led to feelings of guilt, shame and a deep sense of isolation.
By focussing my efforts on caring for others, I turned attention away from myself and avoided the potential for exposure. I tried very hard at everything, relying on my own strength instead of pushing into God. When it came to God, I did all the right things: prayed out loud, prayed in tongues, read the Word and cared for others. I knew lots of truth about God and yet something was still missing.
I often felt hypocritical as I gave out to others ‘what they needed’ all the time knowing some of those truths hadn’t sunk into my own heart. I put other people first, even above my family at times and often before God. I had to please people all the time and if I didn’t, then I would hit a black hole of rejection and that felt like death.
My lowest point came after reading yet another book on eating issues. I followed its programme, but I still struggled with binge eating. I exercised regularly and starved myself in the hope of controlling my weight, which, to my horror, rose steadily. It seemed that eating and weight would have a controlling grip on me for the rest of my life. I knew the root of the issue lay in how I felt about myself, which was rooted in a traumatic, unhappy childhood. I knew that God had good plans for my life, but I found it hard to tap into them.
Originally, I came to Celebrate Recovery in order to help others! It would be the next step in training and exercising my pastoral gift. However, I knew deep down that God wanted to do some work in me. Not all I was doing was wrong, but it wasn’t from a good foundation. I was like a tree planted in poor soil with little water rather than the tree planted by the river that produces good fruit.
Through CR, I saw myself as an iceberg, which the sun had started to shine on. Many of my emotions were frozen; I could talk about past pain and difficulties, but it was as though I was talking about someone else’s experiences. I began to thaw.
Doing the Inventory was scary. I had a choice to make: to be totally honest or carry on with the masks. I didn’t want to go over old ground and hurts that had been dealt with, but I did want to give God permission to expose areas He wanted to deal with. I wanted total freedom and that would only be possible through God. My life felt chaotic as I reflected back, yet God showed me that He had it all contained.
The methodical progressive approach to CR has been really helpful. God had things to do and areas to clean up right the way along. Tools like the inventory and lifeline have enabled me to let God into dusty places that needed a good spring clean. I decided to open the doors and let light shine on the dark places of my life. To my relief I didn’t get turned into stone or rejected. I didn’t have to be “a good girl” and get it all right. Now God has removed some stumbling blocks I don’t need to hide anymore and I can be who God has created me to be.
I still have areas of struggle, but now I have tools to tackle and face issues. I’m learning to hand things over to God. Now God is my anchor rather than people and helping others. I realised He is my first port of call, not my last.
There have been several turning points during the course, forgiveness being one of the greatest. This has been threefold: receiving forgiveness for my wrong doings; offering forgiveness even when the individual wasn’t sorry; and, the hardest of all, forgiving myself.
I’d tried for years to change the addiction cycle in my life with little or no success. I felt powerless to change my behaviour on my own; I needed God to break through. A key point for me was beginning to see myself as God did. The verse for Step 3 being “Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God - this is your spiritual act of worship” (Rom 12:1). I got stuck at ‘your body’ and it being ‘pleasing to God’. I thought, “How could my body, which I detested, be pleasing to anyone, least of all God?” But God stepped in and changed my perspective.
One of the most helpful tools I’ve found is keeping a positive journal or daily inventory. I’d written a journal for years but it tended to be fairly negative and more a way to express feelings locked up inside. I now follow the steps given in Lesson 19, reflecting each day on:
• What good I did?
• When did I blow it today?
• Did I do or say anything that hurt anyone?
• Do I need to make amends to anyone?
• What can I learn from my actions today?
This is really helping me to keep short accounts with people. I’m recognising patterns of behaviour and areas God is still working on in me. It’s giving me a chance to reflect and learn and to grow in all areas of my life.
I am much more dependent on God, my maker, my changer and my healer. I have learnt to trust another individual with my inner most thoughts and hurts and have realised I won’t be rejected. I no longer need to hide. I have grown in confidence and am doing things I would have never have dreamed I would be doing. For example, becoming chairman of my local organisation and reaching out to my neighbours.
I am still passionate about caring for others and still carry the call of Isaiah 61: to bind up the broken hearted and set the captives free. However, I’m now approaching it from a different footing, which I trust will bring forth good fruit.