I’m in recovery from unforgiveness, anger and low self-esteem. Before coming to CR, I was prone to react angrily (usually inwardly) if hurt, ignored or undervalued. Occasionally, if the hurt was severe, I have been known to scream, shout or bash a door! I tended to judge those who had caused the hurt and consequently indulged in nega-tive thoughts about the person. I tended to blame myself for my reactions and feel frustrated at how I’d handled these situations.
The reactions were worse with those closest to me, i.e., a close friend and my family. With those more distant, the reactions were inward (mostly!). In a situation with my friend I inwardly saw myself hitting her. At work, stressful situations have led to sharp words and a need to leave the office to calm down.
At times I blamed God for the hurt and for the times he’d allowed me to be hurt in the past. I was frustrated that he had not allowed certain relationships to be closer or easier.
As a child I used to sulk or have a tantrum if I didn’t get my own way or didn’t feel understood. When older, I tended to retreat or lock myself in the bathroom. As a teenager, I remember many times when I wished my parents would come and talk to me at the end of the day but they didn’t (probably due to their own tiredness after starting up their own business). I often cried myself to sleep over the usual teenage issues. I was so grateful that I met God at the age of 13, so that I knew that I wasn’t alone at these times. I have now realised that I expected far too much of adult figures in my life and that’s why I have been disappointed so often. Even in the church, my expectations were too high. It has been so releasing over the years to realise that we are all human and God is the only one who never fails.
I came to Celebrate Recovery out of interest in the course and didn’t know what issues God was going to highlight. Although it wasn’t easy initially, it has been so healthy to confess ongoing sinful behaviours and thought patterns and to receive prayer and encouragement from my sponsor during this voyage of discovery! The practical application of Jesus’ death on the cross to my specific sins and the experiencing his healing power for the effect of my sins and the sins of others has been powerful.
Two things in particular helped. One was a comment made by my group leader one week. She said that we do not have a ‘right to be angry’. I was quite angry after she had said it, but realised on reflection that this was true. This was a life-changing comment.
I also found the daily inventory very revealing and realised the amounts of negative thinking about others that can occur in my day! I realised that this is not pleasing to God. Along with working through forgiving others and repent-ing of the negative thoughts, I hope a pattern has been broken, but obviously this needs constant monitoring and making good decisions regarding thought patterns! I feel that I have been slower to anger and more forgiving of others—we’ll see! I’m able to forgive myself for angry thoughts and reactions.
Even during CR, there have been situations where I have been put to the test. I was reminded to forgive someone at work and even give them some flowers. My flesh was wanting to do the opposite! In this situation I really saw the freeing power of forgiveness. Because I had forgiven this person, I was able to sit and listen to her complaint to me and about me without reacting badly at all. We even hugged at the end.
I feel more secure in myself and able to face conflicts and differences of opinion. Because I was able to recognise my reactions had been hurtful to others (particularly at work), I have been able to see both sides of the story more readily.
At CR, I enjoyed the non-judgmental atmosphere, the great welcome, the chilled-out environment and the fact that we could be honest and say things as they are—not pretending everything is ‘fine’.
I would love to see more people experience the same freedom and healing that many have on this course.