“I’m fine, thank you” was my usual reply—even though I had the odd hurt and a bit of unforgiveness! I’d been on medication for ten years for depression and had a failed marriage, but I certainly didn’t need a year’s course to sort me out. However, I was given a Celebrate Recovery leaflet and I thought I’d try it, expecting to be sorted by Christ-mas.
But God had different ideas!
As I listened to teaching, chatted in small groups and tackled the workbook, I realised that my life was a mess—it was like a seesaw. Either I was on a high with the world and everyone in it or I was in desperation, often contem-plating how to end my life. I never liked or felt comfortable in my own skin. Stability and peace were alien con-cepts.
I was one of life’s people-pleasers, striving for affirmation and acceptance. I reacted to situations using a box of tools cobbled together from a lifetime of crashing from one crisis to another. My reactions and behaviours were negative, and sometimes destructive and inappropriate. I had the potential to hurt anyone who happened to be in my way.
By Christmas, I was only just scratching the surface. As well as excellent teaching, now I met with my sponsor when we talked and prayed. For the first time, I felt safe enough to be vulnerable to myself, to God and another adult.
My biggest change is emptying my toolbox of negative reactions and unhelpful behaviours. I’m replacing them with tools that enable me to stop and think; consequently my behaviour is more positive. This has had a huge effect in my daily life, at work and with my children.
Now God’s at the centre: I know that if he loves me, I don’t have to prove myself by playing games or seeking atten-tion using manipulative behaviours. I’m more comfortable with my own company, bringing peace and a less stressed way of life.
CR is a challenge emotionally (I’ve shed many tears) and practically, e.g., turning out every Wednesday night and meeting up with my sponsor. But I rejoice knowing that I’m moving towards, renewing my mind and walking more in step with God’s plans for me.
It’s worth sticking at: enjoying fab teaching, support from the small group, etc. It’s a process—travelling along the “road of recovery”. I’m not where I was, but I’m not ‘there’ yet. It took decades for ‘stuff’ to build up and so change may not happen overnight.
Celebrate Recovery gave me the time, the people and a safe place to face issues that have been holding me back. With God’s grace and mercy, I look forward to a more peaceful, stable way of life. The future has never looked bet-ter.