The Sun has Risen! - Edward's Story

I’d always had a difficult relationship with my mother. She was fine to be with when she was not angry with you, but that was not very often. She was very hard to reason with, and it was always best for me and my sister to keep the peace as her reaction to us was always very severe. We were always very afraid of her. She was loving, but very strict and did not show much love to us. I know that she loved us, but I also know she was not happy to have us when we were younger. My sister was unplanned, and my parents only got married because of it. They had agreed to divorce when we were old enough. So they did when I was 11.
My mother did not like people who would challenge her or argue with her. She would see the worst in everyone and twice as nasty back to anyone who gave her the slightest bit of trouble. I would never stand up for myself or for what was right because of fear of her reactions to me. When she was angry with me, which was most of the time, she would threaten to drop me off at an orphanage. That is scary when you are 4 years old. That is one of the only memories I have as a child—one of fear and always hiding away from my mother.
A few years after my mother left, I went to boarding school. I became a Christian there and wanted to see my family changed. Because I lived with a general fear of people’s reactions, I never spoke to my family about God, least of all my mother. But I had a fear that they would die without knowing God, so when I was about 20, I plucked up the courage to speak to my dad and sister about what they believed. I did not have the courage to speak to my mother about it yet. My dad and sister did not make any commitment at that stage.
When I was in my early twenties, I moved to another city. I lived there with my mother for 3 months while I looked for work and a flat. She had moved there several years before, so it was nice to catch up with her. She was easier to spend time with since she and my dad divorced. She would still get angry with people and assume the worst of them, but I felt more detached from it. I was still too afraid of her to speak about God to her. She knew I went to church, and was amazed at how quickly I met people because of it.
I later moved to the UK, and she followed shortly afterwards. It was coincidental that we moved at the same time. She started to soften up over the years here; she was more exposed to church and spent time with Christians more. Previously, she would never go to church, but if she came to me for lunch, she was willing to come to church too! I was very encouraged by that.
Two years later, I got married. The months following that were hard for my mother as she battled to find work. Six months after that, she committed suicide. Needless to say, I was devastated. The guilt about not speaking to her di-rectly about God started to destroy me. By the end of that year I thought I was going to have to book myself into a psychiatric hospital. Every bridge, bus or high building was a potential place for me to kill myself. I had just got married, and should have been happy, but all I wanted was to die. I feared that she had gone to hell too. I never saw her become a Christian, and she never said she had. I assumed that she was lost forever. I wanted answers. I battled with the idea that God would allow this when the Bible says that he wants all to come to the saving knowl-edge of Him.
I decided to go for a walk around Farmoor reservoir to have a “chat” with God. I spoke to one of the leaders (who later sponsored me through CR), and he had a picture of a dove descending on me as I sought out God. For 45 minutes while I walked, all I asked Him, or actually demanded, from Him was: “Where is she!?” Right at the end of my walk, I heard God say, “The answer is, get to know Me.” That was not what I wanted to hear, but it brought peace for a day.
The despair worsened over the months. My marriage was not being helped by my constant lowness and desire for death.
Then came CR. Nothing much happened for months. It was good to work through a method of dealing with issues, but I never felt it made much difference to my situation. I considered giving up many times, but I stuck with it. With the help of my sponsor, we made some reasonable goals to achieve through doing CR, which were to stop feeling guilty about my mother’s death, and to let go of the responsibility of where she went when she died.
Through spending time praying with my sponsor and doing the workbooks, I made progress. I got to a point where I knew the books, my sponsor and I had done all we could, and it was up to God to do the rest. And he did, in one swift move, while praying with my sponsor at a celebration at church. God intervened powerfully and completed a work that I thought would take years.
I have no doubt that it was necessary for me to do all I could to sort myself out, in order to know that I needed God to do the rest. He did what no person could. I now feel free from all guilt and responsibility. My relationship with my wife is recovering and I have a positive attitude towards life again. For 2½ years I was in despair and totally de-pressed. God has faithfully begun to restore me normality and brought comfort. It feels like the sun has risen for the first time.