Torn Between Prayer & Porn - Charlie's Story

I was an only child and cherished, but growing up in the country, there were not many children around. When I went to school, I was very nervous. I wasn’t sure anyone liked me.
For a while things were OK, but I hadn’t learned to stand up for myself and I started getting picked on. One day when I was 5, I was in the middle of the playground and two older boys pulled my trousers down. I froze in panic: a dinner-lady scolded me as I was dragged indoors to recover.
After this, I reasoned that I had been right all along: that I was not liked and that bad things would continue to happen. I wanted a female friend from a very young age, and began to realise I liked girls when I was 7. This made things more awkward. I wanted to be friends, but they didn’t. After a few attempts, I gave up and watched as they chased other boys.
I never really fitted in at school: I was precocious and arrogant, and didn’t have the same background and interests as most of the other children. I was alienated even before I got to Secondary School, but I didn’t talk to anyone about it, not even my parents. I watched other people do the things I wanted to do, wishing I had the courage to do the same.
I’d gone to church for years, but left when I was 12 because I hadn’t ‘found God’. I wanted to just be a good person, but failed miserably and ended up very depressed, contemplating suicide. I didn’t go through with it because I was afraid, and because of how Mum would take it. So I carried on, but with lots of questions.
I thought Christianity would help, and for a while it did. I was in contact with God Himself, and I knew He had plans for me, including meeting someone at some point. Partly due to peer pressure, however, I got into soft porn magazines at about the same time, when I turned 18.
I was still very clumsy and nervous with the opposite sex, and my failures added up. No-one seemed to want me. I was torn between prayer and porn at times: which did I want most comfort from? The shame burned in me. No-one would want me now. If anyone found out, I would be rejected again.
I did further education and a series of jobs, but never got very far. I did some church work too, but turned to porn more and more, even at work. I was eventually found out and fired.
I was a mess when I got to CR, and gave myself to it like my life depended on it. It helped that I knew some people on the course. We were all in a similar position: needing help and support. The teaching sessions made sense. And gradually, some of the mess began to unravel.
Looking at key events of the past was crucial for me: I suddenly realised the events I’d been through that led to me becoming a porn addict. My memory had blocked out the playground incident, for instance: I remembered it again for the first time.
I forgave those at school who bullied and ostracised me; I asked forgiveness—where I could—for what I’d done. I came to understand that it’s OK to be different. I don’t have to hate the sight of myself in the mirror. My sponsor brought perspective and help me through some of the process, and I realised that this was going to take a long time.
Some of the healing has happened: I am interested in worship and Bible study in a way I haven’t been for years, and talk to God more now. Currently, I have a new job and prospects, and am accountable about my addiction. I still have faith that I will meet someone someday.
Going through this for nine months has given me a good start, but there is more work to be done. People who know me say that I’ve changed a lot already. I still struggle, but certain things have been settled. I know how I got this way. I work at how I think of myself. I don’t lock it all away any more. And I feel that Celebrate Recovery has given me tools for the rest of my life.
If you’re struggling with addictions or self-hate, don’t wallow in it. Don’t think you’re unforgivable. The group sessions are non-judgemental: it’s a safe place to talk things through. You may find God speaking to you, bringing unexpected truths and memories to light. And it is a constructive step-by-step programme that can change your life, if you work at it.
So I celebrate the recovery I’ve made so far, and I recommend this course to you!